Doctor Who ‘The Curse Of The Black Spot’ bullet point review

Look away Who fans, you all know where this is going

  • This was so dreadful that it wouldn’t have looked out of place with Colin Baker looming out of the TARDIS like a plate-faced clown to sing ‘I Am The Very Model Of A Gallifreyan Buccaneer’
  • The mid-level budget, one vaguely recognisable guest star, average CGI and obvious sound stage made it look like a SyFy Pirates Of The Caribbean knock-off
  • The mid-level budget, one vaguely recognisable guest star, average CGI and obvious sound stage made it look like a BBC Pirates Of The Caribbean knock -off – which is exactly what it was
  • Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides is out next week
  • Captain Avery is mentioned in 1966’s ‘The Smugglers’
  • You don’t get leeches in salt water
  • It’s deeply laughable seeing all those cutlasses flying around and then everyone emerging with a papercut
  • How much was Amy’s pirate get up scene quite obviously the gestation of an action figure?
  • How on earth was a small child able to sit wheezing and coughing in a barrel for ages without being noticed?
  • This didn’t even need to be an episode of Doctor Who, it could easily have been an episode of the original Star Trek series where they visit some contrived gimmick planet populated entirely by pirates
  • There are more effective ways of administering medicine than singing to people, shooting flame and LOOKING LIKE A GHOST
  • People who get papercuts aren’t generally in urgent need of medical attention
  • The ending where the pirates all set off into space was so mawkish and cringeworthy, that the vomit finally came
  • The only redeeming feature about this new low for new Who is that River Song wasn’t in it
  • Quite
Bonus Feature
  • Help us Neil Gaiman, you’re our only hope