The movies we don’t want to be turned into TV shows

We chart the cinematic turkeys not fit to waddle on the small screen.

That faint murmur you’ve been hearing online over the last few days is the news that Push, an underwhelming superhero movie from 2009, is being given the TV show treatment. Joy.

So in order to celebrate this less than momentous occasion, we’ve provided you with a list of five movies that really – and we mean really – don’t need to be turned into a television series.

J_311RJumper
Director: Doug Liman

Do we really need to see a poor man’s Hayden Christensen pouting his way through a show based on this movie? Thought not. Jumper was bad enough as it stands (or is that leaps?) with Christensen and co pinging around, so Lord knows what would happen to this property if the TV execs got their mitts all over it.

battlefieldearthBattlefield Earth
Director: Roger Christian

This all-time stinker already has an important place in the genre: it’s a showcase on how not to make a science-fiction movie. Unless subjection to awful TV is invented as some kind of torture technique by the US military, there really is no need to bring this turkey back to life.

HANCOCKHancock
Director: Peter Berg

Disregarding the issue that Will Smith hasn’t dipped into TV since those heady days of The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air, and wouldn’t be available to star in a Hancock series, the fact still remains that this is a movie unworthy of a sequel, let alone TV show.


Picture 2G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra
Director: Stephen Sommers

Ponder the idea of a live-action G.I. Joe series for just a minute and the prospect doesn’t sound that bad. But then the movie pops back into mind, and the horrors of Stephen Sommers’ recent summer suck-fest quell any thoughts of this ilk.


VH_2299_K2070_22A_rgbVan Helsing
Director: Stephen Sommers

This scarily bad homage to Universal’s monster features of old scarred us all, and for that reason alone a TV series is a big, bad idea. Plus, for every minute of Van Helsing’s runtime, there is a better episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Fact.