10. Mutants In Mega-City One
By: The Fink Brothers (aka Madness)
About: Judge Dredd
Worst Lyric: “Sixteen muties on a dead norm’s chest/Heat-seeker bullet will do the rest.”
Why it’s awful: Aside from the ramshackle live performance and dodgy Angel Gang make-up, Eighties ska heroes Madness commited a profound canonical error in this piece of new-wave synth-pop-by-numbers in having Judge Dredd refer to people as “Earthlets” – even Danny Cannon didn’t do that.
9. Big Gun
About: Tank Girl
Worst Lyric: “The most venemous feminist, homie, she ain’t soft/You give her trouble then she might cut your head off.”
Why it’s awful: As if having Ice-T (“body count, bitch”) use the word ‘feminist’ without ‘what is a…?’ in front of it wasn’t mind-boggling enough, his actual role in the movie was even worse – he plays a mutant kangaroo from the same FX bloodline as the Cowardly Lion. Anyway, to be truly faithful to the source material, Tank Girl should be scored entirely by dreary Nineties riot grrrl – where was Courtney Love when this travesty was happening?
8. Doctorin’ The TARDIS
By: The Time Lords/KFL
About: Doctor Who
Worst Lyric: “Bosh Bosh Bosh, loads of money/Who-ha.”
Why it’s awful: It just goes on forever, like the show itself actually – it’s frustratingly repetitive, obviously cheap and endlessly, depressingly long. The video though is even more irritating, showing the Ecto-1 trying to run over a copyright-free Dalek from a Tyneside childrens’ home.
By: Chad Kroeger feat. Josey Scott
Worst Lyrics: “Now that the world isn’t ending, it’s love that I’m sending to you/It isn’t the love of a hero, and that’s why I fear it won’t do.”
Why it’s awful: Some people actually like this, that’s the worst thing of all. They refuse to acknowledge the incredible smugness of lion-faced redneck rock scarecrow Chad Kroeger as he inserts himself wholesale into Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man as some sort of petrol-swilling, building site love rival for the affections of Mary Jane Watson.
6. Ninja Rap
By: Vanilla Ice
About: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Worst Lyric: “Gonna rock, and roll this place/With the power of the Ninja Turtle bass.”
Why it’s awful: It paved the way for freeze-dried Rebook salesman Vanilla Ice to work with more poorly proportionated, squeaky-voiced childrens’ characters living in a land of pure fantasy – Jedward.
5. Back In Time
About: Men In Black 3
Worst Lyric: “It’s Mr Worldwide, Agent A, Reporting live/From Cape Canaveral, MK, Big Syphe, let’s ride.”
Why it’s awful: Following up two powerful performances from Big Willy in the field of Rapping About Men In Black Films, muted rap-crooner Pitbull decided his fart-smelling sleaziness was the equal of Will Smith’s natural charisma. It’s not.
4. Gotham City
By: R Kelly
Worst Lyric: “A city of justice, a city of love/A city of peace, for everyone of us.”
Why it’s awful: Future king of weirdly operatic R&B melodrama, in full David Brent ‘Love God’ mode, didn’t bother to read any Batman comics, or even take that much interest in Batman & Robin – although to be fair, neither did Joel Schumacher – ZING! Instead, he decided to compose ‘Gotham City’ as a dawdling metaphor for his happy place, or God, or something, all delivered in the manner of a phone sex operator. The best you can say about it is it didn’t make Batman & Robin any worse. Nothing could.
3. Men Of Steel
By: Shaquille O’Neal, Ice Cube, B-Real, Peter Gunz and KRS-One
Worst Lyric: “Diesel’s large, guilty on every charge
of bein’ dope/Imagine Superman with a dookey rope”
Why it’s awful: Like all collaborative rap epics, we have to give about six minutes over to the collective introducing themselves and mutually admiring each other – at least with ‘Lady Marmalade’ they were all dressed as burlesque parrots so there was something to marvel at. Boasting a level of production that dwarfs the film – 1997’s ghastly superhero flop Steel – ‘Men Of Steel’ is a Titanic-like folly of blockbuster supergroup aspiration heading straight for an iceberg shaped like apathy.
2. Deepest Blue (Shark’s Fin)
By: LL Cool J
About: Deep Blue Sea
Worst Lyrics: “Uh, my hat is like a shark’s fin/Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark’s fin.”
Why it’s awful: It wasn’t enough for LL Cool J to be in the awful Jaws/Jurassic Park hybrid, he had to construct some sort of elaborately sincere extended metaphor about how he’s a killer (like a shark) with hidden depths (blue ones). It’s three family sized Toblerones and a barefoot drive to Dundee away from a mental breakdown.
1. Star Trekking Across The Universe
By: The Firm
About: Star Trek
Worst Lyrics: “There’s Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, starboard bow/there’s Klingons on the starboard bow, starboard bow, Jim.”
Why it’s awful: It’s the party song from hell, broken out like waterboarding when the aggressive fun torture of the ‘Macarena’ and ‘The Ketchup Song’ prove ineffective in breaking your spirit round at Nan’s 87th. Next step up, Mr Blobby’s Christmas number 1 and Peter Kay’s ‘Is This The Road To Amarillo?’.