If you happen to be one of the 2 million or so people who viewed the trailer online, there really is no need to watch Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus. All of the reasons you might think of to watch such an obviously poor film – cheap dialogue, terrible effects, ridiculous concept, worse acting – are evident in the preview. If you’ve seen these few minutes, there’s no point in watching the rest. Move on.
Still not convinced? Well then let us divulge some more. After an accident involving bad science and dodgy CG, two prehistoric behemoths are set free from their frozen prison to wreak havoc on battleships, oil rigs and the like. Despite the size of this potentially global catastrophe, it is down to Emma MacNeil (former singer-songwriter Debbie Gibson), Allan Baxter (Lorenzo Lamas) and a whole host of other useless folk to capture or, failing that, kill the monsters. What should follow is a series of tense set pieces and expensive effects, but what does follow is scene after scene of awful actors at the nadir of their careers working with a script that could quite easily have been the product of a primary school group project. The effects shots, when they do appear (we counted only one or two brief moments that didn’t feature in the trailer), are endlessly recycled and hideously unconvincing. Meanwhile the director seems intent on disobeying every one of the most basic filmmaking rules.
We understand; we wanted this to be a so-bad-it’s-good experience too. What it is, however, is a film that is simply bad. But to a certain extent criticism of this film is irrelevant. This isn’t a movie with creative ambition, it’s a film that knows it’s awful and wears its one star like a proud sheriff of a crippled town.
Distributor: The Asylum
Director: Ace Hannah
Starring: Lorenzo Lamas, Debbie Gibson, Vic Chao
Released: 3 August