Five things we want from Pirates 4… and five things we don’t

Producer Jerry Bruckheimer has been talking up another Pirates sequel and we’re not quite sure how we feel about it. It’s a franchise that’s got potential but after an okay first outing and two dire sequels, our confidence in the potential being realised isn’t high. But if ever ambivalence needed to be represented by two … Continued

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Producer Jerry Bruckheimer has been talking up another Pirates sequel and we’re not quite sure how we feel about it. It’s a franchise that’s got potential but after an okay first outing and two dire sequels, our confidence in the potential being realised isn’t high. But if ever ambivalence needed to be represented by two rather meaningless wishlists then this is surely just the occasion. Onward…

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FIVE THINGS WE WANT…

Jack Sparrow

The heart of all that is good in the series, Depp’s masterfully pantomine turn as the drunk captain deserves more than he’s been given so far.

90 minutes

And not a second over. The Pirates movies should be fun, thrilling and lean. How a near-three-hour cut of the last one was permitted we’ll never know.

Sea Monsters

The Kraken was a step in the right direction but nothing would give the on-deck action the kick up the arse it needs quite like a well-realised – but also visible – beastie. A Mega Shark perhaps.

Harlots!

No love interests for the main character – Sparrow and romance just don’t work. A fesity, low-life harlot, on the other hand, would nicely complement the love-shy adventurer.

Jokes

More than anything else we want the next Pirates film to be funny. Not atmospheric, sombre or dark, just lighthearted summer fun. And for God’s sake: no bloody gallows.

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AND FIVE THINGS WE DON’T WANT…

Keira Knightley

Pirate. King. It wasn’t enough that this most boring and unlikeable of characters was in the series at all; no, she had to regulate and rally pirates as though they all belonged to some third-rate freedom fighters trade union. Awful.

Orlando Bloom

Wonderfully, this talentless cretin has been off our screens for a while now. Long may it continue with a sustained absence from the franchise.

Back Story

Who bloody cares? Do we really want our characters to have long-winded, boring histories that amount to nothing more than hours of dialogue? No, we don’t. Keep it in your locker Dave.

The Afterlife

Or anything involving pebble-crabs. If you’re going to kill someone off, make sure you’re not going to spend 45 minutes trying to get them back later on with a bad explanation and stupid effects.

Gore Verbinski

At World’s End amounted to what could only have been described as a nervous breakdown expressed through a big-budget blockbuster. Verbinski’s got talent but he’s no longer the man for this franchise.