And so the horseflies of speculation buzz around the cowdung that is the internet once again, regarding the the rumour that Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson is going to play Lobo in a movie. There will be many a comic-book-loving jabroni upset by this. Probably. Others will be happy, though. Are you happy about this?
Because I bloody am.
This is something of a guilty confessional. I used to (God, why hide it, I still do) enjoy pro wrestling. I’m not the type to tediously over-analyse it (it’s not real to me, dammit) and have long conversations about heel turns and promos. It’s FUN. It’s theatre, base comedy. It’s a bunch alpha males acting like children having arguments that basically amount to ‘NO U,’ although occasionally they’ll throw in the odd storyline to do with necrophilia or incest or some reason, but whatever. I mean just look at this…
It’s all good clean family fun, bar the odd nipple slip and Lovecraftian sex tape.
It has a massive fan base, too. Which is important, as let’s be frank, unless you’re the type of person that spends ages pontificating over all the dumb-bell story arcs in Superman, it’s a fair bet you won’t give a toss about Lobo. Having The Rock (who is the paragon of the wrasslin’ business) play him ensures interest in the film and character. Everyone likes The Rock; it’s impossible to dislike him. He’ll bring the millions (AND MILLIONS) of The Rock’s fans along with him, ensuring box office thunder.
Having The Rock play Lobo, too, is also an excellent choice, because it ensures that we’ll have a fun, silly film and not a worthy but tedious insight into the human condition like the Nolan Batman films, which (and let’s be honest here) are basically silly Michael Mann films with pantomime villains. The Rock’s presence ensures pure entertainment. Then again, The Rock could be in a Ken Loach movie playing an unemployed, recovering alcoholic with three errant kids and a drug addict wife and it would still be a hoot, because at the back of your mind all you can see is this…
Films with wrestlers are usually pretty fun, too. Admittedly they’re largely diabolical, but they’re always good for a cheap laugh. The Rock has been in among the, er, best, although Rowdy Roddy Piper still holds the crown thanks to They Live. However, the Doom film has ‘cult classic’ written all over it, and The Tooth Fairy was legitimately funnier than 90 per cent of normal comedies. Until film producers do the right thing and get CM Punk and Daniel Bryan signed up for a Tango And Cash remake, The Rock is the go-to wrasslin’ guy. It also ensures that it’ll be more entertaining than the upcoming Man Of Steel, although that’s a given anyway as Zack Synder’s directing it, and everything Zack Snyder touches turns into slllooooowwww thensuddenlyreallyfast hyper-stylised horseshit.
Lastly, our Dwayne is perfect for the role. Lobo’s a force of his own, a man (alien) that takes no crap off anyone and administers ass-whoopings at a moment’s notice. Sound familiar?
The above clip proves beyond all shadow of a doubt that The Rock is the perfect guy to portray the badass, superviolent irreverent antihero. And if you don’t agree then you can take your pristine copy of Detective Comics #1, shine it up real good, turn it sideways and stick it straight up aaaaaaaaall your candy asses. And that.