Vampires are back, baby!
I know what you’re thinking – “Hang on, vampires went away?”
Yes, apparently, they did and how I know that is I’ve recently read two articles explaining that in the worlds of both books and TV/film, they’re back!
Now, seeing as I have a new book out that sort of features vampires, this is sort of good news for me. I say sort of as my book is probably not going to tickle the light fantastic of the legion of vampires groupies. That’s because, spoiler alert, I take the angle that vampires are frankly, dicks. To be exact, carnivorous creepy sex pests. When The Bookseller or whoever says vampires are back, they mean as the suave, misunderstood bad boys of the fantasy genre. The ones you wouldn’t take home to mother but who you secretly hope will come a tap, tap, tapping on your window late at night. And yes, when I say ‘you’ here, I specifically mean you, you dirty-minded reprobate.
Being the academically minded soul that I am, I’ve read almost several articles on this topic. Basically, vampires have long been the receptacle for all that repressed freaky-deaky that we, as a society, don’t know how to deal with. Here’s the thing though, maybe we should find a heathier way of doing so? I mean, if you’d like to take a moment and consider the behaviour of say any male vampire you can think of from popular fiction and then superimpose it onto an imaginary bloke who is dating your hypothetic, or otherwise, sister, you’ll quickly see the problem and I’m not even talking about all the biting and drinking of blood. There is nothing heroic about resisting the urge to do whatever the hell you like, it is not even basic manners. Maybe it’s time the fantasy genre gave us all more positive figures for our affection?
With that in mind, I humbly present my top five healthier mythical beings you can be sending your Valentine’s cards to…
1) Centaurs
Physically fit, outdoorsy – it’s basically the man of your dreams with a pony thrown in! Now, some of you might be thinking “OMG! Isn’t that like half a horse?” Well, vampires are all several hundred-year-old members of the undead. People who can’t go into glasshouses on sunny days shouldn’t throw stones.
2) Santa Claus
I’m assuming here that Santa Claus is single. At the risk of making this article clickbaity (heaven forbid) Mrs Claus is not ‘canon’ as far as I’m concerned. She was just added in as some people got concerned about a single dude who lives on his own in the North Pole with a sophisticated surveillance system and a penchant for breaking and entering. On the upside, he’s organised, generous, good with kids and he’s rocking that under-rated chubby lad with a big bushy white beard look that a lot of people reckon is crazy hot. Full disclosure: The author is a chubby lad with a big bushy white beard.
3) Leprechauns
Feisty, independently wealthy, insanely hot accent. Full disclosure – the author has the aforementioned insanely hot accent. Despite how this article is starting to sound, I’m a happily married man, I’m just reminding my wife how lucky she is.
2) Merpeople
Great swimmers, human-half incredibly attractive, access to large quantities of reasonably priced seafood. Mermaids and the lesser considered merdudes have a lot going for them when you think about it. They often get unfairly confused with sirens who disrupt shipping through the medium of song, which incidentally, a non-mythical load of drunken Welsh rugby fans also managed to do to the ferry I was recently on. Merpeople on the other hand are generally considered very helpful plus, seeing as they have to live in the sea, it gives you the other 29% of the earth’s surface, aka land, should you need a little space from your other half. Besides, the way the environment is going, being able to live in water might be an invaluable skill going forward.
1) The Greek Gods (except Zeus!)
Greek gods look like, well, Greek gods. They are frankly hot all over. Okay, they tend to be a tad on the promiscuous side, but then so are vampires, and if they decide to chuck you, they’ll generally only turn you into an animal or something and hey, there are worse ways to go. Do avoid Zeus though as he likes to sow his wild oats while disguised, impregnating women while pretending to be their husbands, or indeed a swan, an ant or a pigeon. Yes, you do have to question who these women are that’re being wooed by ants, but remember, this was back in olden times when Netflix didn’t exist and there’s only so much Freeview you can watch.
I hope that helps. If the worst comes to the worst, there’s always humanity but frankly, I think you can do better.
This Charming Man by C.K. McDonnell is out now from Penguin Random House. Buy yours here.
