Resident Evil: Retribution is out soon, and it looks like it’s going to up the ante in the ‘What the heck am I watching?’ stakes. With a whole host of returning characters you thought were dead, and more beloved, appallingly written stars (no pun intended) from the games popping in, it’s looking like yet another beautifully incomprehensible but entertaining mess.
It doesn’t take a massive stretch of the imagination to assume that Paul WS Anderson will have the future of the franchise in mind as he continues to plunder the increasingly batshit Resident Evil games to make his endearingly daft films for his wife to star in.
We take a look at what actors could portray your favourite gibberish spouting villains and heroes in the inevitable sequel, Resident Evil: Revengeance/Pig In The City/Citizens On Patrol.
1. Jack Krauser
Krauser (one of the best characters in Resident Evil 4) is a marvel, a tough as old boots, uncompromising soldier straight out of the movie Commando, and Leon S Kennedy’s considerably more alpha nemesis. Krauser is fantastic because he’d be completely ruined if a decent writer got anywhere near him. It’s hard to think of an actor up to the task of emulating this knife-wielding pantomime Adonis, but perhaps Chris Hemsworth would do him justice?
2. Ramon Salazar
A diminutive Tricorn-wearing little tosser who causes all kinds of grief for the heroic Leon. His right hand comes off. Someone highly detestable would be perfect for this, a snivelling little berk with a highly punchable face and a whiny self-satisfied voice. Why hello Shia LaBeouf!
3. The Merchant
No one encapsulates the beautiful madness of the Resident Evil franchise more than the Merchant, a hoodie-sporting Cockney who – in a decision that would have Alan Sugar going apoplectic – decides it’d be good for business to set up shop in the midst of an infected, homicidal Spanish village. It’s a shame they ditched the omnipresent entrepreneur in the infinitely more boring Resident Evil 5. He deserves a shot in an upcoming movie, and if there’s any justice they’ll get Ross Kemp for it. He is the thinking person’s Danny Dyer.
4. Mike the helicopter man
Oh Mike, how little we knew thee. Those versed in the ways of Resident Evil 4 know Mike, as he provided backup to Leon S Kennedy just as the floppy haired government man was about to get overrun. It was beautiful, Leon taking potshots with his handcannon and Mike blasting away in his chopper. In those brief moments a friendship for life was formed and a celebratory drink planned, only to be snatched away at the last minute by a complete cock with a rocket launcher. For fun, Anderson should get someone ludicrously famous and A-list to portray Mike in his few brief moments, someone with an excellent voice. Maybe Alan Rickman.
Resident Evil: Retribution is in cinemas from 28 September 2012.